H.O.W.L (Horoscopes Only With Love) is a passive agresssive horoscope reading that I post every full moon.
Where are the planets?
Aries: Neptune, Saturn, Eris, Chiron.
Taurus: N/A
Gemini: Mars, Uranus, Ceres.
Cancer: Mercury, Jupiter.
Leo: Venus.
Virgo: N/A.
Libra: Makemake
Scorpio: Haumea.
Sagittarius: N/A.
Capricorn: N/A
Aquarius: Pluto.
Pisces: N/A
The fuck does that all mean?
Aries: Your brain as been working in over drive, which is to say your brain is the size of a walnut so while it didn't do much at all, it still now needs a break. The planets are in your favor until literally next year because of fucking course they are. You'll socialize, get dates, all of it. That being said don't go overboard. Yeah, you're the life of the party, but the party also sometimes needs to get shit done and cant always be around you. Help them out first before taking the stage.
Taurus: I'd tell you to cool it on whatever you're working on, but you're doing it well so as long as you don't burn out and then mysteriously visit Mexico or some shit for a few days and then come back, you're good. You're focused and putting the correct amount of energy into whatever the hell you're doing, but after it seems to be working on its own, you need to start working on your home life. I don't know if that means family, friends, or fixing your sink, but just work on making you immediate surroundings stay by you. These things will increase to be better also until next year so don't worry about it too much.
Gemini: Have you been a depressed sack of shit all this month??? lol good, but now is the time where you finally get the attention you want I guess. It might come from a different source, and it might not be the easiest way to get it, but you will get it. Everything is just complicated and hard for you though, money issues? Nah, but its gonna be a bitch of a bitch to get it. I think you really just need to be alone with your multiple personalities and get a hobby and just grind on money and actually meaningful communication. That means stop responding to bros on dms.
Cancer: If you didn't break up with someone I am shocked. You are straight up only focusing on yourself, your worth, your independence, to the point I am worrying if you even have any friends around you. You're just a money hungry bitch, there genuinely is nothing else to tell you. Like you're grinding it out and paying bills and then grinding and then buying shit.
Leo: You're fairly normal this month man, you getting good relationships with friends and perhaps a lover, you're doing okay with money, if not a job you're very fit for might come your way very very soon, you're relaxing, isn't it soooo great just to be you.
Virgo: Can you just please stop being a classic Virgo for one month holy shit you annoy me and I don't even know you. Because yeah you know what you want and you're praised for doing good shit and you know how to get shit you want like we all know this. You are however gonna be way more out and loud at some point, you're going to be more passionate than you usually are about something. If you're autistic get ready for a new special interest is all I am reading for your sign.
Libra: You are bored. You need some mental stimulation, I don't know what gives you that, but you need it. You're strong and good business wise, you're working on shit while also learning and adapting, a small change might happen, but its more of growth than change. You will also need to just actually talk from your chest and not from your throat, you be just saying shit just to say shit and that gets you in trouble, say shit with your heart. You are going to complete a looot of shit also, which means you get to work on other shit you have been wanting to work on for yourself.
Scorpio: You autistic too dawg. Like as fuck. You're fixated on some shit, and that's fine and dandy, and you're going to bring people into your small circle. Thats all fine, but I fear communication issues might come up along with a change in routine. Its not bad, nothing bad, but I have a feeling you might not even notice it or react poorly to it.
Sagittarius: We be having emotions. Thats not knew, but what is new is that they are happy emotions, and self reflecting emotions. We are growing and maturing in some way. The ones close to us will help us with it, because why wouldn't they we are their world, and we need to really like let them help us. We gonna faced some hardships, but only shit we have faced and dealt with easily in the past, but we are going to experience more of a hatching of some fucking kind. I'm scared but thats because I don't like to emote.
Capricorn: Plz be safe hoe. I don't think you're gonna get hurt or sick, I don't think anyone in your circle is, but I think you need to be more present and focus more on your health and your environment. This includes maybe getting more money and saving it away. Other than that you're good, you might be friends with a leo or get a leo friend who helps you socialize beyond your battery, but its for the best. Id even dare say to fuck/date whomever this leo is. They don't have to be a leo, but someone who is mildly annoying and doesn't ever shut the fuck up.
Aquarius: BITCH ARE YOU PREGNANT ???? learn how to knit also I think youll like it.
Pisces: You're extremely emotional. Like not bad emotional, but I am picturing you on a picnic blanket with a rose in your mouth, or at the club pouring shots, or at your aunties house cutting up some pork as you tell her about the latest episode of some show you're watching. Like all different levels of romance and intimate relationship emotions, you know what I mean??? Like even at your work I see you acting like a leo and just making friends with anybody. I also think you will like knitting.
Aries: Neptune, Saturn, Eris, Chiron.
Taurus: Mars.
Gemini: Ceries, Uranus, Mercury.
Cancer: Venus, JUpiter.
Leo: N/A
Virgo: N/A
Libra: Makemake
Scorpio: Haumea.
Sagittarius: N/A.
Capricorn: N/A
Aquarius: Pluto.
Pisces: N/A
Aries: Youre a hot fucking mess this month, not actually, just might be very busy. You might be the leader, or get a lot of attention this month, along with springing new ideas. That being said, some of these ideas might not be the best, so please for the love of fucking god use your brain for once and think before you do it, and I dont mean over think, I mean sit down, write pros and cons, and then be done with it. Sometimes you are just better off existing and being okay with that rather than forcing yourself into more social or busy situations.
Taurus: Youre an over emotional little bitch for the first half of this month, sorry I dont make the rules. Youre basically going to be acting like a teenage girl who ovulates for the first time. While this is fine, make sure people are not taking advantage of you during this, I know you usually dont, but I only say this as later on this month an issue might go down, maybe with family or money, something that gets a lot of people tweaking, and when that happens you need to remain calm and just let that shit pass.
Gemini: Youre just gonna be dissociated all this month, dont even bother doing anything. For once in your life you are actually going to be a pleasure to be around for others, but thats because you are just not in tune with your usual Gemini self. Youre just gonna be going "ehh yeah sure" or whatever for the most part, anyone who actually cares about you will get into touch and will ask you if youre alright, those who dont? Cut them off.
Cancer: OH look at me Im a cnacer..im sensitive and private until people get curious and then I open up to them look at me being so docile and sensitive. God I hate you. Nothing is new for you, like most signs this month, but do keep an eye on yourself at the end of this month, as some people might strike against you and purposefully create conflict, or maybe you just suck at communicating. NOTE: Talking AT people IS different than Communicating.
Leo: Holy shit stay away from me. Youre going to be so much more sociable than you usually are this month, which is like a lot since youre already sociable. You are the life of the party, we all know this, but like become more confident in letting the life of the party instead be the genuine connection of combined energy. Also just get outside and do more shit, say yes, go on dates, go to the party, bitch just go somewhere where you dont bother me.
Virgo: You need to sit the fuck back this month. Work on personal projects, yourself, or just grind at your job. Just focus on that for a good chunk of this month PLEASE. You will still have time for a friend or two, but bitch someone from your past might come back into your life in some way and I can not WAIT to hear about it. I love beating the horse until its pulp.
Libra: You are locking in this month. You are going to be very VERY productive, to the point others are going to assume you as the role of leader and as YOU for what to do because they see you doing so much shit that you are literally seeping out productivity onto others. In the middle of the month youre going to be upset that you dont have time for yourself, but youre going to continue to lock in and realize that getting this done now means you can fuck off and do whatever in the future.
Scorpio: You are for the most part safe, but that is because youre going to be so busy and lost in your own mind or fawning over attention someone is giving you to even do anything. That being said, try your best to not regress into your past and fester onto it this later month, youre different, youre not that person anymore, I dont care if you miss it or morn it. Move on with your fucking life.
Sagittarius: BAD BITCHES WE GOOD!!! We are all about being intimate and lovey this month, we get a little bit into our feels but ONLY with our special person whom we trust, we get motivated too to work on ourselves, that being shit old shit might pop back up again because of course it does nothing ever goes right for us, but like its fine because we are so super hot and sexy.
Capricorn: Youre just gonna look really pretty this month or something I do not know, but you are fur sure gonna get some attention,not a lot, a respectable amount that doesnt make you get crazy. Youre going to also focus more about your living space or something very close and intimate, this could be yourself or someone you love too, youre going to take care of it and maybe re deign or something. Just a spruse up, nothing too intense. Girl im bored lets make pinterest boards together.
Aquarius: Go book yourself a wine and paint or something. You might not be crazy sociable, but people will be giving you so much attention that you might as well soak it up. Youre creativity this month is going to nearly peak,so work on anything and everything. I do NOT mean start another project, I mean get shit done. You have a pile of shit that needs to be finished, even if its BORING shit, I know you can lock in and get it done, I have faith in you.
Pisces: Your family or people close to you is gonna start some bullshit. I am so sorry, you will survive it, and you will be fine, but it will be some bullshit. So like go get a cheap bathbomb or something and focus on your health because lowkey I am worried that the minor stress will make you sick and I dont want to personally deal with you when youre sick because you can be annoying. Those who love and care about you will help you tho if you do get sick, but pls dont get sick.
Aries: Mercury, Eris, Chiron, Mars, Saturn, Neptune.
Taurus: Sol, Ceres, Uranus leaving.
Gemini: Uranus entering, Venus.
Cancer: Jupiter.
Leo: N/A
Virgo: N/A
Libra: Makemake.
Scorpio: Haumea, Luna.
Sagittarius: N/A
Capricorn: N/A
Aquarius: Pluto.
Pisces: N/A
The fuck does that all mean?
Aries: Fucking work on yourself. I don't give a shit what you work on, but for the love of god just fucking work on yourself. I don't know if you been saying you finna go to the gym, or start a new book, or like regulate your emotions, but like work on that and don't speak to me until you fucking do.
Taurus: Literally who is not giving you gas money...who is constantly asking you for emotional support and then ignoring you when you need it...why have you been a little pussy ass bitch and haven't cut them out your life yet...stop being a doormat and actually grow a back bone or prepare yourself for the next time this happens because we both know damn well it will.
Gemini: Okay you pissing me off because you for some reason think everything needs to be perfect to the point you are stressing over it. It don't. It don't need to be perfect. Step away from that shit if it is stressing you out and go do something more fucking productive like the damn dishes or deal with the fact you're not perfect.
Cancer: I usually hate you bitch asses but like you're fine. Your head is in the clouds a bit, and I worry that you might get too lost all up in there, but personally it seems like whatever you are thinking about is the right call to then start in real life. It might go well for you and might get you laid. Or complemented at least.
Leo: You been thinking, like hardcore thinking. I don't know what, but you prolly just having some sort of like stereotypical English teacher explaining why curtains are blue type monologue in your brain over something which is good, your brain is strong right now keep that up. Your family and people close to you might need you and they might be a bitch about it tho so like watch out.
Virgo: Controlling little bitch. Fuck you. You're like right, about whatever it is. You have the right plan, the right method, the right opinion, whatever. Congrats. But at this time and place even though you are for once right, you need to acknowledge the fact that sometimes other people should be the one controlling whatever is going on in your space. Maybe save your energy for something that actually matters big time.
Libra: MAKE DAT MONEY/GOALS BABYYYYY. You locking the fuck in, so do your part to make that shit actually happen because the stars and planets cant just do it for you. Talk to whoever the fuck you need to, plan whatever you need to. Lock the fuck in so help me god. Its not gonna happen soon, but it will get to you mark my words.
Scorpio: Why are you so like...sad/mad/egocentric right now fam. Like what is happening. More importantly why are you letting it get to you so much that you are willing to literally burn bridges for it. I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do, but like I think if you really just take some time off and focus on yourself and maybe hang out with people you actually fucking like I think you can get over whatever slump you're in.
Sagittarius: Hi fellow bad bitches!! We are sexy and also so in-tuned with everything around us to the point we might hurt our own damn fucking feelings, as fucking always because even in our prime and even when we are psychic we still have risk of ending up in trouble. I don't think we will as long as we make sure to keep an eye on those around us closer than usual. Other than that we are thoughtful and creative and sexy. As always.
Capricorn: Stop reading this and go pop ur pussy at the club. Like go hang out with friends stop working on whatever you are, its fine and it can wait and it will turn out fine, go hang out even if its by yourself. You'll make new friends.
Aquarius: You are a hot mess but you literally cant do anything about it, it is like out of your hands. I wouldn't go try to help or insert yourself because I think it could be a real cluster fuck if you do, but I do think you need to actually work on the ideas you're having while this is going on, not just to distract yourself but like I think whatever your ass is gonna do is gonna be kinda good.
Pisces: Look, you're really in-tuned with shit right now. I'm rooting for you even if I fucking hate you, but like we need to work on understanding out emotions and then sitting with them and then going on in life with that and REMEMBERING it as you go along and make new friends and connections, which you like will if you even step foot outside.